The Effects of Controlling Parenting

The Effects Controlling Parenting

Parenting can be the most frustrating, exasperating, confusing job you will ever experience but it can also be very rewarding.  The most difficult task for a healthy parent is striking a balance between guiding control and permissive freedom. The easiest way to parent is either by avoidance and neglect or by the opposite extreme “Control”.  These extremes, both, result in a lack of healthy parenting, guidance and providing your child with the life skills to be an independent and successful adult. When you find yourself parenting by control it is because you are feeling out of control.  When you feel out of control you are experiencing a sign that you are lacking the skills to parent effectively.  You are lost in how to get your child to, “act right”.  Or perhaps you fear your child will act out in a way  “you perceive” will cause them harm, so you react out of your own fear, and begin to control them with threats, bribes and manipulation and empty promises.  

Research is clear that children raised in rigid controlling families grow up to have a variety of emotional difficulties, resulting in a life long struggle to overcome the effects of their controlling parents.  The child is left with feelings of low self esteem, difficult with confidence and decision making, ambiguity, loss of the sense of knowing right from wrong without an authority to guide them, dysfunctional and often abusive controlling relationships that mimic their relationship with their parents, difficulty with being responsible, and taking on adult roles and following through with tasks, careers, relationships. The child’s need for inner control can result in eating disorders/substance abuse or other mental disorders of control such as anxiety/OCD characteristics, passive/aggressiveness, personality disorders or disorders of helplessness such as depression and suicidal thoughts/intent. 

Signs of an over controlling parent:
1. The child lives with a feeling they cannot do anything right and all aspects of the child’s life is judged by the parent based on their needs rather than the child’s needs, abilities or desires.  The child feels a pressure to be perfect for fear they will disappoint their parent. They then lack the ability to develop inner self esteem and confidence.
2. The child is not allowed to question the parent’s authority, rules, or their responses.  No means No and there is no explanation given because they are the parent and the child is left with the inability to make decisions effectively on their own.
3. The parent uses threats, intimidation or manipulation to make the child do what they want them to do and the child is left feeling trapped and helpless.  
4. The parent does not give the child choices but gives the child their rules to follow.  Do what I say and not as I do.  The child then has difficulty with critical thinking and decision making. This keeps the child in the trap of waiting for the parent to tell them what to do for fear they will not do what the parents wants them to do.
5. The parent lacks empathy for the child’s developmental age, emotions, needs or desires. The child learns they are not important.
6. The child is discouraged from expressing any negative emotions and are discouraged from any argument of their point of view.  The child does not develop the ability to think for themselves and they believe their feelings should be disregarded.
7. The parent will avoid being wrong even at the child’s expense and will not apologize even when it is obvious.  This leads to difficulties determining what is right and wrong and a questioning of reality.  They develop an inner belief they are always at fault and they can fix it, make it different if only they try hard enough.
8. Support and encouragement of  a child’s exploration of the world are discouraged and may be forbidden unless the outcome is positive and the parent can take credit.  They keep their children from responsibilities, making decisions, experiencing outside activities appropriate to their age and development.  This can lead to irresponsibility, impulsivity and never feeling their achievements are their own.
9. The child has little privacy and is discouraged towards independence with activities, friends and future endeavors. The parent wants details of the child’s life that is under their radar.  The parent lacks the ability to balance parental guidance and providing a child with appropriate freedom. The parent’s fears drive them to need full disclosure as to the child’s whereabouts to the point of seeking the information from outside sources.  The child grows up with a feeling of paranoia even when they are no longer responsible to others.
10. The parent’s need for control can become so great that they use physical abuse, verbal and/or emotionally threats and abuse or sexually abuse as a means of threat and manipulation if the child does not follow their rules.  

Parenting takes patience and a well thought out parenting plan (see Parenting 101: How to develop a parenting plan) of what beliefs and healthy behaviors you want your child to learn. It takes dedication; follow through with consistency and integrity, teaching and guiding your child to learn appropriate life skills to succeed. Parenting needs to be your number one job and all your other obligations are means to achieving your number one job…raising your child to be an independent, successful and healthy, productive adult. 

If you feel you are a controlling parent, get help and assistance now.  It is never too late to mind the effects to your child even if they are now adults.  Google information on healthy parenting, attend workshops and seminars on parenting and/or seek out professional guidance.  Your life and the life of your child will greatly benefit from you learning to be a healthy parent.  You will see the benefits of a closer relationship with your child.  Your child will trust you, confide in you and turn to you for guidance and their emotional and developmental needs.  When you let go of your fear and need for control you will actually sense a greater feeling of control. You and your child will reap the benefits now and in the future.    

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Parenting Contacts

MAKING A PARENTING CONTRACT BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR CHILD

As your child gets older it may be necessary to make a contract so that they understand the boundaries and limits and the consequences to their ever expanding privileges.  Making yourself clear and being up front with your child reduces power struggles, misunderstandings, and provides an opportunity for your child to learn life skills that will follow them into their adulthood.  
Here is an example of a contact you may make with your child would be to address the privilege of driving. 

Driving Privilege
Parent:  Driving is a privilege.  You have earned the right to drive because you have turned of age and you have taken the required courses and passed and are eligible to get your drivers license.  You have also demonstrated the ability to be responsible and I would like for you to have the privilege to drive.   As your parent I love you and want you to be safe, therefore it is necessary for you to understand there are guidelines you must to follow in order for me to provide you with the privilege of driving.

Child:  I respect that you love me and want to keep me safe and as a young adult I also want to have the privilege of driving.  I know that driving a car is a big responsibility and through my efforts and earning responsibility I have the option of getting a driver’s license.  I also know that without you providing me with a car, insurance and paying for necessities related to my driving I could not have a driver’s license.  Therefore, I agree, I will be responsible while driving, obeying all traffic laws including but not limited to the following:

1. I will drive responsibly and safely at all times.  I will also make myself available to respond to your phone calls/text messages as soon as I am in a safe position.

2. I will not use my phone while driving for any reason. 

3. I will pull over into a parked position or wait until I have arrived at my destination if I have to make a call, text or respond to a text or call.  I will not allow a passenger to use my phone while I am driving as that will register that I am using my phone while driving and the violation will be mine. 

4. I will not allow anyone in my care as a passenger or will not allow anyone to drive the car unless they have been approved by you prior to me taking the car. 

5. If any maintenance problems are noticed or occur, I will immediately report them to you.

6. If for any reason I do not feel comfortable driving, (health, functioning, weather, etc.) I will call you to come and get me. 

7. I will be responsible for putting gas in the car when I use the car and to fill it up before returning the car home.

8. Out of respect for myself and to you, I will always follow the rules of curfew and if I encounter and issue I will let you know prior to my curfew time and will inform you when to expect me to be home. 

9. I will also be respectful and will you when I am taking the car, where I am going, and approximately when I will be home and who I will be with while I have the car. 

10. Other options to address are insurance costs, maintenance fees, scheduling when they have the car and distance or places off limits for driving the car. 

When making consequences refer to the following:

1. Be consistent- Children need to trust what you say is what you will do.  This builds a sense of security and predictability so they are able to parent themselves in your absence.  Realistic and consistent consequences provide them with the opportunity to build life skills that mimic the real world.  Children will try most anything to get their way whether it is guilt, manipulation or defiance.  They are testing you to keep your authority.  They may appear to want their way but what they want more is for you to stay consistent.

2. The crime fits the punishment- In other words, the violation of the rule should be consistent with the rule.  If the child does not return the car by curfew then they loose the privilege of driving to social and elective activities and can only drive to obligations such as a job for a period of time specified. It would be inappropriate to take their phone away or have them do extra chores for this violation. 

3. Be respectful- If you want your children to respect you then respect them.  Listen to their concerns, needs and their points of view.  However, there is a limit when they are disrespecting you by arguing with you or manipulating, you need to step in. Model healthy discussion and listening skills.  Your rules and consequences can be discussed with your child but your child needs to understand it is you who have the right to change, adjust or decline suggestions. 

4. Remain Calm- Avoid anger.  Anger is a cover for frustration and a feeling of being out of control.  It also only leads to negative responses from your child.  Anger also diverts you from the priority of the issues.  It is not healthy role modeling.  If you have to take a break and say that you will have to think about what just happened and that you will get with them later.  Take the opportunity to avoid anger and be productive at a later time.   Anger should not be tolerated from your child either and is a clue to stop discussion until emotions are under control otherwise it will lead to saying something you don’t mean or you can’t follow through on.

5. Avoid the use of guilt- Using reason and logic may not give you the immediate response that you need at the time but it will provide and model tools your child can use in real life.  Guilt may immediately produce a change in behavior especially if it is mixed with threats but in the long run it is only temporary and the child soon will realize they can use this against you to get what they want, resulting in manipulative behaviors and loss of parental control. 

6. Parents are not friends – Children do not need you as a friend they need you as a parent.  As much as it is tempting as your child enters adolescence to be their “friend”, children do not respect a parent that acts like a teenager.  They need you to provide them with the security, safety, discipline and guidance of a parent.  That does mean you can’t have fun times with your child, it just means you need to always know your place as a parent.

7. Use humor – Most often disciple and parenting is not a laughing matter.  However, there is humor is most all things if you look for it.  As a parent you have more of an ability to look at the bigger picture and know that this is not the “end of the world”.  Using humor can lighten up the situation and bring it back into focus.   It also breaks the “anger ice” that can inhibit communication. 

8. Allow your child to fail-  It is from failure that we learn our greatest lessons.  As long as your child is under your care you have authority to protect them.  Give them opportunities that are safe to explore.  If they succeed they build self confidence.  If they fail they build character and learn to try again.  If you micro-manage them, you prevent these opportunities and they miss out on real life consequences to teach them the life skills of success.

9. Discipline with love- It is important that your child understand the source of your disapproval is their choice in violating the rules rather than your disappointment in them.  They need to know you love them and that your primary goal is to prepare them for life.  Having clear, consistent, logical and real-life relating rules and consequences is a way for you to show you care and love your child enough to provide them with the skills to succeed as an adult. 

10. Age and Logic – The age of your child is important to take under consideration so you can understand their development stage and ability achieve tasks.  However, there are certain life skills, beliefs and expectations you want your child to learn, no matter the age.  Allowing them to act out because they are 2 yrs old or 15yrs old does not consistently teach them the life skills of managing their emotions and impulses or understanding your expectations of them. No matter the age, children should be expected to behave within the guidelines you provide them and inappropriate behavior is attached to a consequence at any age.  Logical guidelines and consequences should be applied to fit their age and development.  However, the life skills, beliefs and expectations remain consistent.  

PARENTING COMMUNICATION GUIDELINES

PARENTING COMMUNICATION GUIDELINES
Theresa K. Cooke  MA, LMSW, LLP
www.FACESTKC.com

For simplicity purposes, child is used to refer to one or more children.
Effective communication is the foundation to a healthy relationship.  A healthy relationship between parents is essential to the well-being of your child.  A relationship can be defined as the connection, association or involvement between persons.  This does not imply intimacy or personal closeness.  Effective and healthy communication between parents is essential to the shared concern and love of your child.  A child will learn the life skill of communication from role modeling after their parents’ communication.  If you find you are in a relationship where there is dysfunctional communication, it is possible for one parent to communicate in a positive and healthy manner and disregard the negative, dysfunctional communication of the other.  However, for the best interest of your child and to effectively co-parent; healthy communication is a two way street.  The following are some simple guidelines.   

1. When speaking to the other parent, refer to the child as OUR child rather than, "my"child.      
2.  Be ever present to your tone, facial expression and the use of your words towards one another.  Keeping them respectful, kind and compassionate.
3. When communicating with the other parent, start the conversation with a respectful greeting and with points the two of you agree upon before talking about ones you do not agree upon.  End the conversation politely even if you are upset. 
4. Avoid negative, sarcastic, ridiculing, comments that invoke guilt, and/or foul language towards each other.
5. Seek out solutions together by asking questions rather than debating, invalidating, criticizing, ridiculing, blaming and or dismissing the other person’s point of view.
6. Make every effort to say what you mean and mean what you say and to have integrity to your communication regarding yourself and your child.
7. Practice healthy exchange of information by not interrupting each other before the other parent’s point is made or information is shared. 
8. Be respectful towards one another by responding in a timely manner to requests/questions, phone calls, emails, text messages and provide appropriate and actuate information regarding you child. 
9. Strive always to make decisions based on what is in your child’s best interest rather than your best interest.  Keep in mind your child has two parents and they need and love you both.  It is mentally damaging for a child to suffer alienation from either parent.  No matter the circumstances, every effort should be made to find a way for your child to have a healthy relationship with both parents with out feeling torn loyalties. 
10. Respect the differences in each other and each other’s parenting style.  You may not agree but you can support, respect and/or cooperate with the other parent for your child’s best interest. 

Parent logic: Why We Yell

Every parent at one time or another finds themselves yelling. Parenting isn’t always easy and your children will challenge you. Everyday life can be overwhelming and stressful and our ability to stay in control becomes difficult. When you find your children are controlling you, instead of you having the control, the result is anger, frustration, agitation, irritation. Any display of anger is saying you are loosing your ability to self-regulate. This occurs when there has been an accumulation of stress and you have lost your ability to stay present. Often parents have never really learned to self-regulate there emotions and when life’s stress gets to you and you loose your ability to stay present, you will react without thinking, resulting in a display of your frustration…yelling.
Other reasons for yelling
 1. Your parents were yellers and this is a learned behavior
 2. Fear of failure as a parent: The more you feel you need control, the more insecure you are in your parenting
 3. Taking your children’s “bad” behavior personally
 4. You have difficulty processing thoughts before reacting
 5. Feeling trapped in the addictive response of yelling
 6. Lack of patience and taking the time to make parenting a priority
 7. Need for control to cover insecurities
 8. Inability to make appropriate and consistent boundaries and limits for your child
 9. Inability to follow through with appropriate consequences
 10. Difficulty understanding the needs of your child when they are acting out.

Affects of Yelling on children
 1. Yelling neglects your child’s expression of their needs
 2. Yelling stops a child from expressing their feelings
 3. Yelling prohibits the parent from showing empathy
 4. Yelling results in sadness, resentment and fears
 5. Yelling results in the child being responsible for the yelling parents emotions
 6. Yelling manifests guilt in your child that their behavior has caused the yelling
 7. Yelling is mistaken for an appropriate response to anger.
 8. Yelling takes away a feeling of safety and security
 9. Yelling doesn’t teach, it only produces fear
 10. Eventually, your child will tune you out and not hear you.

WHAT YOU CAN DO DIFFERENTLY
1. Ask yourself why you are yelling: The more you understand the underlining reasons the more you develop control over your emotions
2. Understand the triggers and the meaning you are putting to the triggers:
 The more you understand the meaning YOU are creating the better you are able to recreate another meaning that will reduce the yelling.
3. Improve self esteem and confidence as a parent: The better you feel about yourself as a parent the less you feel the need to yell.

4. Be present to your children’s behaviors and what they are telling you about their needs.
5. Learn relaxation techniques to calm your inner self.
6. Be aware of how you allow little frustrations build to big frustrations: Be more assertive in speaking your needs and feelings
7. Practice healthy and appropriate communication techniques: Read, research and role play before reacting
8. Learn from your mistakes: Each moment is a moment you can start fresh
9. Be willing to say you are sorry and to discuss the incident allowing your children to express their feelings
10. Remember, at any point you can give yourself permission to stop yelling. It doesn’t matter if the yelling has been going on for 10 minutes, just started you can walk away from your behavior. When you step away you are stopping the cycle. 

Parenting teens

SUPPORTING YOUR TEENAGER’S EDUCATION
Parenting a teenager can be frustrating and chaotic but also very rewarding when you see that your parenting has paid off and they are showing independence, initiative and the confidence to be a successful adult. Allowing your teen the opportunities to experience life while still having your support will help them to learn lessons of failure and success.
Here are some things that you can add to your parenting plan for your teenager
1. Take an interest in their classes, when they have projects due, or quizzes or tests
2. Encourage daily studying even if there is no homework so they can prepare for tests, organize projects, review lessons and make sure they are prepared for the next day
3. Provide a quite, comfortable place for them to study.
4. Provide necessary access to study and educational tools such as Internet access, computer programs, dictionary and supplies, daily planners.
5. Encourage your teen to have their friends over to study so that they can benefit from the interaction of others and make the study session more enjoyable.
6. Provide healthy snacks and beverages
7. Assist your teen to be efficient by helping them prioritize their tasks to avoid being overwhelmed
8. Make sure your teen has a ride to and from school, after school activities and school events.
9. Offer assistance in the studying process or inquire if there is extra help from teachers or student aides
10. Promote positive self talk such as “I feel confident”,” I can do this.”
11. Set boundaries and limits with bed time, diet, study time, TV, videos, computer or texting/phone time to assist them in time management stills
12. Encourage a balance between academics, work, and socializing
An important role of being a parent is to allow a child to practice life under your guidance. Providing safety to experience failure and giving them support to allow them to succeed. The more your child practices life the more chance they have to succeed and the less opportunity you provide your child to practice life the more you set them up to experience hardships and failures.

10 GUIDELINES FOR GETTING ALONG

10 GUIDELINES FOR GETTING ALONG

1. Listen:  Better to say less than you think especially if you are thinking negative.

2. Develop a slow, low, persuasive voice. It is how you say it that counts more than what you say.

3. Never make a promise you can’t or you don’t intend to keep.  Say what you mean and mean what    you say.  Integrity counts.

4. Be interested in others, show empathy and show regard of what others say and validate their pain.

5. Be cheerful and don’t dwell on the negative or the burdens of others

6. Take opportunities to say kind and encouraging words to and about others.  Avoid gossip.

7. Let your actions speak about who you are rather than you words

8. Use wit and humor freely, but not at the expense of others.

9. Pay no attention to derogatory and negative remarks about you.  Live so that no one will believe the person

10. Be NICE  Use positive statement such as thank you, please, you are welcome. 

Story of the pickle jar

LIFE LESSONS AND THE STORY OF THE PICKLE JAR
Children learn by what you do not by what you say and the story of the Pickle Jar is a wonderful example of how a parent taught his son many of life's lessons.  

The pickle Jar as far back as I can remember sat on the floor beside the dresser in my parent's bedroom.  When he got ready for bed, Dad would empty his pockets and toss his coins into the jar.   As a small boy, I was always fascinated at the sounds the coins made as they were dropped into the jar.  They landed with a merry jingle when the jar was almost empty.  Then the tones gradually muted to a dull thud as the jar was filled.  
I used to squat on the floor in front of the jar to admire the copper and silver circles that glinted like a pirate's treasure when the sun poured through the bedroom window.  When the jar was filled, Dad would site at the kitchen table and roll the coins before taking them to the bank.  Taking the coins to the bank was always a big production.  Stacked neatly in a small cardboard box, the coins were placed between Dad and me on the seat of his old truck. 
Each and every time, as we drove to the bank, Dad would look at me hopefully.  "These coins are going to keep you out of the textile mill, son.  You're going to do better than me.  This old mill town's not going to hold you back".  Also, each time, as he slid the box of rolled coins across the counter at the bank toward the cashier, he would grin proudly.  "These are for my son's college fund.  He'll never work at the mill all his life like me".
We would always celebrate each deposit by stopping for an ice cream cone.  I would always get chocolate.  Dad would always get vanilla.  When the clerk at the ice cream parlor handed Dad his change, he would show me the few coins nestled in his palm.  "When we get home, we'll start filling the jar again."   He always let me drop the first coins into the empty jar.  As they rattled around with a brief, happy jingle, we ginned at each other.  "You'll get to college on pennies, nickels, dimes and quarters." he said.  "But you'll get there, I'll see to that."  
No matter how rough things got at home, Dad continued to doggedly drop his coins into the jar.  Even the summer when Dad got laid off from the mill, and Mama had to serve dried beans sever times a week, not a single dime was taken from the jar.  To the contrary, as Dad looked across the table at me, pouring catsup over my beans to make them more palatable, he became more determined than ever to make a way out for me, "When you finish college, Son", he told me, his eyes glistening, "You'll never have to eat beans again-unless you want to." 
The years passed, and I finished college and took a job in another town. Once, while visiting my parents, I used the phone in their bedroom and noticed that the pickle jar was gone.  It had served its purpose and had been removed.  A lump rose in my throat as I stared at the spot beside the dresser where the jar had always stood.  My Dad was a man of few words; He never lectured me on the values of determination, perseverance, and faith.  The pickle jar had taught me all these virtues far more eloquently than the most flowery of words could have done.  When I married, I told my wife Susan about the significant part the lowly pickle jar had played in my life as a boy.  In my mind, it defined, more than anything else, how much my Dad loved me.  

The first Christmas after our daughter jessica was born, we spend the holiday with my parents.  After dinner, Mom and Dad sat next to each other on the sofa, taking turns cuddling their first grandchild.  Jessica began to whimper softly, and Susan took her from Dad's arms.  "She probably needs to be changed," she said, carrying the baby into my parent's bedroom to diaper her.  When Susan came back into the living room, there was a strange mist in her eyes.  
She handed Jessica back to Dad before taking my hand and leading me into the room.  "Look, "she said softly, her eyes directly me to a spot on the floor beside the dresser.  To my amazement, there, as if it had never been removed stood the old pickle jar, the bottom already covered with coins.  I walked over to the pickle jar, dug down into my pocket, and pulled out a fistful of coins.  With a gamut of emotions choking me, I dropped the coins into the jar.  I looked up and saw that Dad, carrying Jessica , had slipped quietly into the room.  Our eyes locked, and I knew he was feeling the same emotions I felt.  Neither one of us could speak. 
Never underestimate the power of your actions.  With one small gesture you can change a person's life, for better or for worse.  With your gestures and actions you can shape a child for the better or the worse. 

Watch your children grow and they will teach you what you have taught them. www.facestkc.com