Securing your child’s online identity

Technology is growing so fast that it is difficult to keep up with the changes. Trying to keep up just for your own benefit is difficult enough, but keeping up to stay ahead of your child is even more daunting task.  As an involved and caring parent you are aware of what your child is doing at school.  You keep up with their grades and meet with their teachers, view their homework and participate in their activities.  As an involved and caring parent you are also aware of your child’s friends, who they are, where they live and what type of activities they are involved in with your child and how they treat your child. Just as the parent makes themselves familiar with their child’s “real time” life, friends and activities; the parent needs to be familiar with the child’s virtual life, friends and activities.  Your child's safety and future depends on you providing them guidance and rules to follow.  

Times are changing, more and more schools, colleges, employers, friends, community appointments and other important agencies that your child are and will come into contact with are relying on online identities to find out more about you and your child. Some are looking to the person’s online identity to make decisions to hire/fire, accept/deny, promote or reprimand a person. Not only is it important that your child develop the skills and personal characteristic to succeed in life but it is also important they develop an online identity that is in line with being a successful adult.  More importantly you are influencing them by keeping their online identity safe and you should be serving as a healthy role model for your child by following the same guidelines you provide them. 

Some examples to follow would be

1. Do not post, share, like, subscribe to anything that is not respectable to others or yourself. 
2. Do not post, share, like, subscribe to anything that portrays drinking, or drugging or sexually inappropriate photos or comments of one’s self, others or in the context of condoning the activity. 
3. Do not post, share, like, subscribe to anything that would or could be interpreted as contradicting to the online identity you are wanting to portray or is in contradiction to who you are or want to be seen as.  
4. Do not post, share, like, subscribe to anything that could be seen as negative, judgmental of yourself or others. 
5. Do not post, share, like, subscribe to anything that implies bullying of another person, group or organization.  
6. Do not post, share, like, subscribe to anything that is an extreme negative opinion, religious or is extreme left or right politically unless this is in line with who you are and you choose to be professionally as you may cut off or offend future contacts that may be helpful to you in building your future.  Keep these opinions private and personal as you build your online identity.  

As your child becomes acquainted with online devices so should you be acquainted with the parental settings and security. Teach your child what is safe and what is not.  The Internet offers many opportunities for learning and exploring the world that never before has been at our finger tips.  Depending on where your child goes on the Internet your child will learn the immense educational wealth it has to offer or the frightening horrors that also lurk just around the corner.  Teach them what sites are acceptable and what sites are not, what to look for in a scam or how to know they are in danger or that the person they have contact with could be a predator. Periodically check the sites your child visits by reviewing their history and making sure you are updating the securities of your computer. Teach your child how to distinguish fraudulent emails and websites.  Familiarize yourself with search engines such as Google, Bing and research online safety tools, stay updated on resources in this area. Know the sites your children visit. There are many more sites out there than Facebook, Youtube, tumblr, twitter or blogger.  Children are naturally curious and they will wander the internet or check out things they have heard about.  Reprimanding them will not stop them but making them aware you are watching and setting strict but appropriate parental settings and providing them with a known consequence if they violate the rules will help them to stay safe.  

Developing a contract with your child can be helpful in that it spells out the expectations you have of your child. It tells them you are aware of their online activities and will be watching and will help keep them safe. A contract can be added to, deleted from and expanded depending on the child's age, development and privileges based on their  demonstration of their ability to be trusted. 

Guidelines and rules for online safety and identity of your child 

1. The child is not to give out your full name, their full name, address or phone number or any identifying information before checking with the parent for approval
2. The child is to report immediately to the parent if anything feels uncomfortable so they have guidance to avoid undesirable and /or unsafe situations   
3. The child is not use a credit or debit card without permission. When funds are needed there should be a designated credit/debit that is used for online purchases to avoid, track any problems and help to contain identify theft. 
4. Usage of online devices should be defined by the amount of time they can be used online and by website restrictions to ensure appropriate safety according to  age and development of the child.  Children are at highest risk when they spend hours on their devise or computer and spend those hours in the evening unsupervised.  
5. Bullying is to be reported immediately to the parent so that the parent can report to the online authorities where the bullying occurred. 
6. Acceptance or entering online offers for free gifts, rewards, prizes is prohibited and are to be considered scams and need to be reported to the parent. 
7. Arranging to meet someone in person you met online but have never met in,”real life”, is prohibited unless you have discussed this with the parent and the parent has given approval and an adult has arranged to go with you. 
8. All passwords need to be accessible to parents at all times. 
9. Sexually explicit websites should be restricted and prohibited in the parental controls and defined consequences need to be set for the child if they are found to have violated this rule.  
10. The rules and guidelines apply to their usage not the devices.  This would mean that if the child were at a friend’s house, at school or using a device that is not their own they are to follow these guidelines and rules.  The consequences still apply and will still be enforced.  If they choose to take a chance to violate these rules out of the house or on another persons device and are found out, the consequences should be set forth to reflect the severity of this violation.     

Violation of the guidelines you set with your child should be followed up with defined consequences that are appropriate for their age, and development, be able to be monitored and enforced and are strong enough that violation will be avoided. .  Having guidelines that you cannot enforce is useless. Children will eventually figure out that you do not intend or do not know how to follow through on your rules and will defy the rules knowing they will not or cannot be enforced leaving them vulnerable and unsafe online.  (See previous Parent Logic articles on rules and consequences)  

The Effects of Controlling Parenting

The Effects Controlling Parenting

Parenting can be the most frustrating, exasperating, confusing job you will ever experience but it can also be very rewarding.  The most difficult task for a healthy parent is striking a balance between guiding control and permissive freedom. The easiest way to parent is either by avoidance and neglect or by the opposite extreme “Control”.  These extremes, both, result in a lack of healthy parenting, guidance and providing your child with the life skills to be an independent and successful adult. When you find yourself parenting by control it is because you are feeling out of control.  When you feel out of control you are experiencing a sign that you are lacking the skills to parent effectively.  You are lost in how to get your child to, “act right”.  Or perhaps you fear your child will act out in a way  “you perceive” will cause them harm, so you react out of your own fear, and begin to control them with threats, bribes and manipulation and empty promises.  

Research is clear that children raised in rigid controlling families grow up to have a variety of emotional difficulties, resulting in a life long struggle to overcome the effects of their controlling parents.  The child is left with feelings of low self esteem, difficult with confidence and decision making, ambiguity, loss of the sense of knowing right from wrong without an authority to guide them, dysfunctional and often abusive controlling relationships that mimic their relationship with their parents, difficulty with being responsible, and taking on adult roles and following through with tasks, careers, relationships. The child’s need for inner control can result in eating disorders/substance abuse or other mental disorders of control such as anxiety/OCD characteristics, passive/aggressiveness, personality disorders or disorders of helplessness such as depression and suicidal thoughts/intent. 

Signs of an over controlling parent:
1. The child lives with a feeling they cannot do anything right and all aspects of the child’s life is judged by the parent based on their needs rather than the child’s needs, abilities or desires.  The child feels a pressure to be perfect for fear they will disappoint their parent. They then lack the ability to develop inner self esteem and confidence.
2. The child is not allowed to question the parent’s authority, rules, or their responses.  No means No and there is no explanation given because they are the parent and the child is left with the inability to make decisions effectively on their own.
3. The parent uses threats, intimidation or manipulation to make the child do what they want them to do and the child is left feeling trapped and helpless.  
4. The parent does not give the child choices but gives the child their rules to follow.  Do what I say and not as I do.  The child then has difficulty with critical thinking and decision making. This keeps the child in the trap of waiting for the parent to tell them what to do for fear they will not do what the parents wants them to do.
5. The parent lacks empathy for the child’s developmental age, emotions, needs or desires. The child learns they are not important.
6. The child is discouraged from expressing any negative emotions and are discouraged from any argument of their point of view.  The child does not develop the ability to think for themselves and they believe their feelings should be disregarded.
7. The parent will avoid being wrong even at the child’s expense and will not apologize even when it is obvious.  This leads to difficulties determining what is right and wrong and a questioning of reality.  They develop an inner belief they are always at fault and they can fix it, make it different if only they try hard enough.
8. Support and encouragement of  a child’s exploration of the world are discouraged and may be forbidden unless the outcome is positive and the parent can take credit.  They keep their children from responsibilities, making decisions, experiencing outside activities appropriate to their age and development.  This can lead to irresponsibility, impulsivity and never feeling their achievements are their own.
9. The child has little privacy and is discouraged towards independence with activities, friends and future endeavors. The parent wants details of the child’s life that is under their radar.  The parent lacks the ability to balance parental guidance and providing a child with appropriate freedom. The parent’s fears drive them to need full disclosure as to the child’s whereabouts to the point of seeking the information from outside sources.  The child grows up with a feeling of paranoia even when they are no longer responsible to others.
10. The parent’s need for control can become so great that they use physical abuse, verbal and/or emotionally threats and abuse or sexually abuse as a means of threat and manipulation if the child does not follow their rules.  

Parenting takes patience and a well thought out parenting plan (see Parenting 101: How to develop a parenting plan) of what beliefs and healthy behaviors you want your child to learn. It takes dedication; follow through with consistency and integrity, teaching and guiding your child to learn appropriate life skills to succeed. Parenting needs to be your number one job and all your other obligations are means to achieving your number one job…raising your child to be an independent, successful and healthy, productive adult. 

If you feel you are a controlling parent, get help and assistance now.  It is never too late to mind the effects to your child even if they are now adults.  Google information on healthy parenting, attend workshops and seminars on parenting and/or seek out professional guidance.  Your life and the life of your child will greatly benefit from you learning to be a healthy parent.  You will see the benefits of a closer relationship with your child.  Your child will trust you, confide in you and turn to you for guidance and their emotional and developmental needs.  When you let go of your fear and need for control you will actually sense a greater feeling of control. You and your child will reap the benefits now and in the future.    

Connect with FACES Inc on facebook , Twitter and LinkedIN 

Parenting Contacts

MAKING A PARENTING CONTRACT BETWEEN YOU AND YOUR CHILD

As your child gets older it may be necessary to make a contract so that they understand the boundaries and limits and the consequences to their ever expanding privileges.  Making yourself clear and being up front with your child reduces power struggles, misunderstandings, and provides an opportunity for your child to learn life skills that will follow them into their adulthood.  
Here is an example of a contact you may make with your child would be to address the privilege of driving. 

Driving Privilege
Parent:  Driving is a privilege.  You have earned the right to drive because you have turned of age and you have taken the required courses and passed and are eligible to get your drivers license.  You have also demonstrated the ability to be responsible and I would like for you to have the privilege to drive.   As your parent I love you and want you to be safe, therefore it is necessary for you to understand there are guidelines you must to follow in order for me to provide you with the privilege of driving.

Child:  I respect that you love me and want to keep me safe and as a young adult I also want to have the privilege of driving.  I know that driving a car is a big responsibility and through my efforts and earning responsibility I have the option of getting a driver’s license.  I also know that without you providing me with a car, insurance and paying for necessities related to my driving I could not have a driver’s license.  Therefore, I agree, I will be responsible while driving, obeying all traffic laws including but not limited to the following:

1. I will drive responsibly and safely at all times.  I will also make myself available to respond to your phone calls/text messages as soon as I am in a safe position.

2. I will not use my phone while driving for any reason. 

3. I will pull over into a parked position or wait until I have arrived at my destination if I have to make a call, text or respond to a text or call.  I will not allow a passenger to use my phone while I am driving as that will register that I am using my phone while driving and the violation will be mine. 

4. I will not allow anyone in my care as a passenger or will not allow anyone to drive the car unless they have been approved by you prior to me taking the car. 

5. If any maintenance problems are noticed or occur, I will immediately report them to you.

6. If for any reason I do not feel comfortable driving, (health, functioning, weather, etc.) I will call you to come and get me. 

7. I will be responsible for putting gas in the car when I use the car and to fill it up before returning the car home.

8. Out of respect for myself and to you, I will always follow the rules of curfew and if I encounter and issue I will let you know prior to my curfew time and will inform you when to expect me to be home. 

9. I will also be respectful and will you when I am taking the car, where I am going, and approximately when I will be home and who I will be with while I have the car. 

10. Other options to address are insurance costs, maintenance fees, scheduling when they have the car and distance or places off limits for driving the car. 

When making consequences refer to the following:

1. Be consistent- Children need to trust what you say is what you will do.  This builds a sense of security and predictability so they are able to parent themselves in your absence.  Realistic and consistent consequences provide them with the opportunity to build life skills that mimic the real world.  Children will try most anything to get their way whether it is guilt, manipulation or defiance.  They are testing you to keep your authority.  They may appear to want their way but what they want more is for you to stay consistent.

2. The crime fits the punishment- In other words, the violation of the rule should be consistent with the rule.  If the child does not return the car by curfew then they loose the privilege of driving to social and elective activities and can only drive to obligations such as a job for a period of time specified. It would be inappropriate to take their phone away or have them do extra chores for this violation. 

3. Be respectful- If you want your children to respect you then respect them.  Listen to their concerns, needs and their points of view.  However, there is a limit when they are disrespecting you by arguing with you or manipulating, you need to step in. Model healthy discussion and listening skills.  Your rules and consequences can be discussed with your child but your child needs to understand it is you who have the right to change, adjust or decline suggestions. 

4. Remain Calm- Avoid anger.  Anger is a cover for frustration and a feeling of being out of control.  It also only leads to negative responses from your child.  Anger also diverts you from the priority of the issues.  It is not healthy role modeling.  If you have to take a break and say that you will have to think about what just happened and that you will get with them later.  Take the opportunity to avoid anger and be productive at a later time.   Anger should not be tolerated from your child either and is a clue to stop discussion until emotions are under control otherwise it will lead to saying something you don’t mean or you can’t follow through on.

5. Avoid the use of guilt- Using reason and logic may not give you the immediate response that you need at the time but it will provide and model tools your child can use in real life.  Guilt may immediately produce a change in behavior especially if it is mixed with threats but in the long run it is only temporary and the child soon will realize they can use this against you to get what they want, resulting in manipulative behaviors and loss of parental control. 

6. Parents are not friends – Children do not need you as a friend they need you as a parent.  As much as it is tempting as your child enters adolescence to be their “friend”, children do not respect a parent that acts like a teenager.  They need you to provide them with the security, safety, discipline and guidance of a parent.  That does mean you can’t have fun times with your child, it just means you need to always know your place as a parent.

7. Use humor – Most often disciple and parenting is not a laughing matter.  However, there is humor is most all things if you look for it.  As a parent you have more of an ability to look at the bigger picture and know that this is not the “end of the world”.  Using humor can lighten up the situation and bring it back into focus.   It also breaks the “anger ice” that can inhibit communication. 

8. Allow your child to fail-  It is from failure that we learn our greatest lessons.  As long as your child is under your care you have authority to protect them.  Give them opportunities that are safe to explore.  If they succeed they build self confidence.  If they fail they build character and learn to try again.  If you micro-manage them, you prevent these opportunities and they miss out on real life consequences to teach them the life skills of success.

9. Discipline with love- It is important that your child understand the source of your disapproval is their choice in violating the rules rather than your disappointment in them.  They need to know you love them and that your primary goal is to prepare them for life.  Having clear, consistent, logical and real-life relating rules and consequences is a way for you to show you care and love your child enough to provide them with the skills to succeed as an adult. 

10. Age and Logic – The age of your child is important to take under consideration so you can understand their development stage and ability achieve tasks.  However, there are certain life skills, beliefs and expectations you want your child to learn, no matter the age.  Allowing them to act out because they are 2 yrs old or 15yrs old does not consistently teach them the life skills of managing their emotions and impulses or understanding your expectations of them. No matter the age, children should be expected to behave within the guidelines you provide them and inappropriate behavior is attached to a consequence at any age.  Logical guidelines and consequences should be applied to fit their age and development.  However, the life skills, beliefs and expectations remain consistent.  

PARENTING COMMUNICATION GUIDELINES

PARENTING COMMUNICATION GUIDELINES
Theresa K. Cooke  MA, LMSW, LLP
www.FACESTKC.com

For simplicity purposes, child is used to refer to one or more children.
Effective communication is the foundation to a healthy relationship.  A healthy relationship between parents is essential to the well-being of your child.  A relationship can be defined as the connection, association or involvement between persons.  This does not imply intimacy or personal closeness.  Effective and healthy communication between parents is essential to the shared concern and love of your child.  A child will learn the life skill of communication from role modeling after their parents’ communication.  If you find you are in a relationship where there is dysfunctional communication, it is possible for one parent to communicate in a positive and healthy manner and disregard the negative, dysfunctional communication of the other.  However, for the best interest of your child and to effectively co-parent; healthy communication is a two way street.  The following are some simple guidelines.   

1. When speaking to the other parent, refer to the child as OUR child rather than, "my"child.      
2.  Be ever present to your tone, facial expression and the use of your words towards one another.  Keeping them respectful, kind and compassionate.
3. When communicating with the other parent, start the conversation with a respectful greeting and with points the two of you agree upon before talking about ones you do not agree upon.  End the conversation politely even if you are upset. 
4. Avoid negative, sarcastic, ridiculing, comments that invoke guilt, and/or foul language towards each other.
5. Seek out solutions together by asking questions rather than debating, invalidating, criticizing, ridiculing, blaming and or dismissing the other person’s point of view.
6. Make every effort to say what you mean and mean what you say and to have integrity to your communication regarding yourself and your child.
7. Practice healthy exchange of information by not interrupting each other before the other parent’s point is made or information is shared. 
8. Be respectful towards one another by responding in a timely manner to requests/questions, phone calls, emails, text messages and provide appropriate and actuate information regarding you child. 
9. Strive always to make decisions based on what is in your child’s best interest rather than your best interest.  Keep in mind your child has two parents and they need and love you both.  It is mentally damaging for a child to suffer alienation from either parent.  No matter the circumstances, every effort should be made to find a way for your child to have a healthy relationship with both parents with out feeling torn loyalties. 
10. Respect the differences in each other and each other’s parenting style.  You may not agree but you can support, respect and/or cooperate with the other parent for your child’s best interest.