Communication is one of the many building blocks to healthy parenting and will keep your child close to you as they get into their teen years. Children all go through stages. Their negative responses to you are indicators that something is out of balance. Children do not always have the words to communicate what they are feeling is wrong so they will display it in acting out behaviors. If this occurs take it as a warning that something needs to be put back in balance. Expect this to occur at some point or another. It is a sign that you need to adjust the relationship to attend to the changing needs of your child as they develop into adulthood.
Healthy communication responds to a child's needs. It conveys trust, empathy, compassion, respect and is the foundation to working through and adapting to challenges, crisis and changes. Having healthy communication provides the building blocks teaching your child problem solving, decision making and interpersonal and social skills. When communication breaks down there is a loss of trust, disrespect, manipulation, resentment and deceit.
Communication is complex and occurs on many levels. It is important to be aware of your choice in words, your body language, the tone of voice you use as well as your delivery and the response of the other person. Their interpretation of your communication will reflect back to you in their facial expression, body language and tone of voice. It is important to be aware not only of your delivery but their response before continuing a conversation. This is a way to check to be sure you are being heard and understood. You can talk to your child but communication means you expressed your thoughts and they have reacted back to you with a response that indicates you were heard and understood.
Some important tips to communicating:
Pay attention
Paying attention conveys you care and are concerned about what your child has to say. When your child speaks, listen and stop what you are doing and make eye contact. If you are busy tell them you are busy and give them a time frame when you will be available to talk with them. Convey this in a loving and concerned approach by saying something like, " I would love to hear what you have to say but right now I have to finish dinner but once we are at the table I will be all ears."
Speak with Loving tones and wordsRemember to express yourself in a loving way with a smile and the appropriate loving body language. A child may hear your words but your body language and tone will speak louder.
Act with Loving gestures Communication is not only with words but it also actions. Little hugs, pats on the back, cuddles, winks, ruffling their hair or positive gestures such as thumbs up are also communicating you are in touch with them. Communication rituals are also important such as always saying good-night or good bye with a hug or special wave. communicating you are proud of them by displaying their artwork or school projects or reports and taking opportunities to brag to others about your child.
Say your child's name As with all positive communication techniques use your child's name often. It will hold their attention and will personalize the communication.
Be positive, short and simple When communicating your needs, keep your instructions simple and age appropriate. Tell them what you want from them rather than what you don't want from them. Such as, "Jimmy please leave your shoes at the door", rather than, " Jimmy stop wearing your shoes in the house." Wait for their responses rather than continuing your communication into a preaching speech. They need time to process and if they don't answer then ask them if they understood you. Be clear and simple in giving them choices and consequences that are age appropriate to build their self esteem and independence. See past Parenting 101 articles on Determination, self esteem etc.
Answer their questionsIf they asked the question then respect them by giving them an honest age appropriate answer. This is a parenting opportunity to find out what your child things and feels. If you don't know the answer tell them you don't know and will find out the answer or help them to find out the answer.
Refrain from judging before you fully understand Your child is showing you something that you don't agree with or that frightens you. Take this parenting opportunity to find out more about what they are thinking. Ask questions and get informed. Guide them to judging for themselves rather than telling them what you think. An example would be if your child were to tell you about their friend that smokes cigarettes. Instead of quickly responding by telling them all about the harmful affects of smoking and how you don’t approve of smoking you could instead ask them how they feel about their friend smoking. Ask them what they know about smoking and the affects of smoking. This will give you the opportunity to learn what your child knows and how they feel.
Respect your child’s boundariesRespect goes both ways so if you want respect give respect appropriately. Children have boundaries but it can be tricky because they will also learn that saying no will get them their way or our of something they don’t want to do. In this situation acknowledge what they say but tell them it isn’t appropriate and it isn’t a choice to say no this time but you hear what they are saying. When it comes to “touching” boundaries make every effort to respect your child in this area and listen to their boundaries. It is an important aspect of teaching awareness of inappropriate touching and setting boundaries to prevent sexual abuse. Respectful, loving touches foster feeling safety and enhances the communication connection between your and your child.
Be consistent
There is an old saying, “Do what I say, but not what I do”. Children learn by what you do and not as much by what you say. That is why it is so important to be consistent and let your actions speak louder than your words. Every action you take, think, what is your child learning from you. Watch your children grow and see who they are and they will show you what you are teaching them. Transparency, integrity and consistency are the basic skills of parenting. When your child can respect you for your role modeling the communication will be more open.
